Trying something new

Elise,

This is stupide. You’re never going to see this letter – I’m never going to send it to you, but the school counsellor did say that writing letters to loved ones was a bonne idée even if I’d never send it. So I will try.

I am afraid for you, ma petite belle chérie. Ta mère – your mother – I don’t know what I am anymore. I mean, I didn’t know what I was before, not really, but I really, really do not know what I am now.

First I was human. Just a normal person. Then He…and I was kindred. And today I met…and I…

I don’t remember much about your father. I don’t know why I don’t remember him. I wasn’t blackout drunk. I know that. I didn’t drink nearly enough and I wasn’t sick the next day. I just felt…good. Like I’d had good sex – yes, imagine your mother having sex. That’s how we know I’m never sending you this letter. The next morning I just felt all floppy and relaxed. No. I chose to have sex with your father, just as I chose to have you.

I met very old kindred today. Muninn and Prisca. They saw something. I was holding the future, holding the past that holds itself. Muninn asked if I’d ever wanted children and I said no. It was true. Before I felt you move, I never wanted to be a mother.

I never saw your father. Or at least I don’t remember seeing him. But I can’t imagine he was 7 feet tall.

I can’t imagine he was tall, or his skin was purple and I can’t imagine he would sing to repair a door, but after what I saw tonight I’m afraid for you, my darling.

Because I don’t know, anymore, what my blood would do to yours if he was anything but human. If he targeted me to make you.

Jasper said I would need to tell you. You’re only 2 years old.

And if someone is after me, they will be after you.

I should have gone with them, but I was afraid and Muninn and Prisca were protective. But I should have gone with them to find out who might be after you. I don’t know if they know about you, but Muninn did. Jasper did. Others might.

I didn’t want you, but now I have you and I must keep you safe.

We might be the only two of our kind – we’re different now but we might be the only ones. Fae. Fae blood, at least.

I don’t even know what that means and Oliver – Oliver won’t remember any of what happened tonight. Which is probably for the best since he’d probably have to tell Queen Anne or something. I need to find an excuse to return to Paris. How am I going to keep you safe if I need to keep this – another secret – from Him? What happens if there are some new, strange behaviours?

I wish those three kindred didn’t know. The more people know, the harder it is to keep a secret. And while I quite like Malkavians, I really don’t know how in control of themselves they are, old and powerful or not.

Would they try to sell you, ma chérie? Eat you? Embrace you…I would rather kill you myself.

They don’t know where you are. I can at least take comfort in that, for now.

And how to find out which of the people you live with isn’t human? I have no idea. But you have been in their care for a year now. They have not hurt you. They did not hurt me.

Mon dieu. Please, please stay safe. I will find out all I can. I just want you to have a normal life. Be a normal child. Stay away from this world. I’m going to find a way to make that happen.

Until then, sweet dreams, my love.