I am Lost.

Elise, my darling,

I have been placed with a coterie. A powerful coterie. One who are supposed to watch over me and I over them. I do not live with Oliver anymore. Now it is only Terrence and me. And whatever devices and people Kjarr has watching me. I…do not see them. And I do not think I would ever know they were there, except Kjarr told me they’re there. I do not go anywhere without security, whether I can see them or not. Apparently it has been this way for four years. For both of us.

Four years – I did not know. I do not know if I feel well protected or invaded. And they have been watching you. Malkavians by night, others by day. Is it affecting your upbringing? Do Maman or Papa notice what is happening?

I thought we were supposed to know when we were being watched. I thought skin would prickle, the hair on the back of the neck would raise…maybe that sense disappeared when I died.

I’m sorry, my love. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I went out that night, I’m sorry I had you, I’m sorry I listened to my parents, I’m sorry…I’m just sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you on my own.

What kind of mother am I?

Why did Oliver choose me and why did Villon et Anne allow it? Did they know about you?

Did they know about my blood? Oliver didn’t. Did they? Did they know your father?

I don’t know what the lifespan of someone with fae blood is – I should ask Anwyr.

A slaughter? Slaughtered or left? Either is awful. Either means it’s just us and I can’t learn any more from them.

Where were we? Time stopped. The clock simply disappeared – and what do the tattoos do? Why do they stay? What am I doing to these Malkavians?

And the girl – Aramina – the very powerful girl who could ask over 1000 Malkavians to watch over us. An army. It takes an army to protect us. And I fear that it is still not enough. Kjarr was afraid it might not be.

Who is so desperate for us? Why? What could we do? What could our blood do?

They can’t tell anyone about us. Our secrets. I thought they belonged to us, but so many people know…is it still a secret?

Kiasyd. That’s what I should be? But I’m definitely a Toreador. Oliver bit me himself. He said so.

Kjarr is so angry with Oliver. I was angry with him too, but…I can’t be angry forever. Not the way it looks Kjarr could be. Then again, I’m not old enough to actually do any damage to Oliver. He could. And I don’t think it would take more than a few words from me to start something very dangerous.

He seems to have very quickly, unflinchingly and unquestioningly taken on the responsibility for us. Kjarr. I do not understand why.

And I don’t know why, but I find myself trusting him. Which is foolish. Do not trust kindred. They’re untrustworthy. They’ll betray me. All of them. I don’t know what the price is, but I need to remember Oliver is also kindred. If the right price came up, he would probably betray me too.

Some of them want to be trustworthy. I don’t think it would matter if I took you and left Paris forever – Oh, I wish – Kjarr’s people would find me immediately. He is a very wealthy man.

I need them, everyone, EVERYONE, to stop making decisions for me. I want answers. I need answers and I need to know more about what I’m getting myself into with this coterie.

Oh, Elise, I don’t know what I’m mixed up in. I don’t know why I’m so important. Hunters would love to kill us both. We did nothing. We have done nothing to cause this hatred – the attention.

Oliver, why me? I could have gone my whole life just raising a normal little girl to adulthood.

Could have been a doctor and saved lives…could have…

Maman et Papa would be proud of my parlour. The art on the walls, the scents, the colour and vibrancy of the rooms…if anything good has come of this, it is the tattoo parlour and Chloé. I’d love for you to meet her one day. Properly. For real. She loves you. She doesn’t know what you are, but of what she knows, she loves you.

My unique little girl, I love you.

Maman.