Monsters

My darling,

Je suis désolé. Maman is getting desperate now. Je suis désolé. I am starting to learn, ma chérie, why Kjarr keeps me from you. Je suis désolé. I don’t know if it is safe to explain what happened, even in letter form. I can’t imagine what our aged and lined friend would do if he found out about a letter detailing the experience we had. Je suis désolé.

But it was me. I did it. My actions almost caused the deaths of two sires, beloved people – and you.

I could have killed you. By trying to protect you and learn about our heritage, I could have turned eyes on us that should never have been looking our way.

Secrets, Elise. Secrets caused all these problems. Secret books in secret rooms owned by secret proprietors…Anwyr didn’t warn me that supernatural books could do so much. But I didn’t even think about it.

Secrets, my darling. Here is a secret for you. I am going to kill them. I do not know how. But I am going to kill Him. The idea scares me. It makes me wonder whether I could. I’ve never killed anyone before. Maybe Aramina’s right. Maybe it should be easier to embrace being a monster. But I don’t feel like a monster. I feel like me. Your mother. How am I supposed to embrace a side of me that isn’t there?

Do I snarl and hiss more? Do things to people out of spite? How?

How do I just…hurt people?

How do I accept that the Beast should be in charge sometimes? Do I just give in to the Beast?

Things would be easier if I didn’t have to worry about it. If I could hurt whoever smells good, or whoever stands in my way. But…I am not a Beast. I feed the Beast. The Beast growls, but I am not my Beast. I don’t think I can be a monster.

Kjarr says I could be, in time. That kindred become monsters in time. I don’t know how long it will take, but killing Him may take me a step closer to that. Thinking about how close I brought Him to you, even that once, terrifies me. He cannot be allowed to find you. I’ve been assured He can’t, but…

Maybe I have to be a monster to keep you safe.

But if I’m a monster…if I’m keeping you safe by being a monster…

Who, ma chérie, will keep you safe from me?