Trust

Elise,

I feel awful. He’s leaving France. I don’t know when He’ll be back, but He’s leaving. The coterie hates Him so much. I could understand if they disliked Him for being incompetent, or thought Him a fool, or even if they hated Him for taking me from you, but Elise, we know there was a reason now, don’t we? I had to be embraced for a reason. He didn’t have a choice. No one did.

Kjarr despises Him. Because of you, I think. For you. Or maybe for him.

I should. I don’t. I’ll do what I’m told, but I can’t change the way I feel.

So much has happened in such a short time. I can’t figure it out. And I can’t talk to Kjarr or Oliver about it all because Kjarr is so biased already and Oliver is being controlled by…something. My father – My…real father? I don’t know – I don’t know, but killing him won’t solve the problem. I do know that.

I know Kjarr cares deeply about honesty and trust, but…he read my letters to you, ma chèrie. He cares about knowing more, maybe – as though knowing is more important than understanding…or more important than being trustworthy in return. I shouldn’t even be writing this letter. If I were human, I would burn them but…fire. I trust his word, but I can…only trust his word insofar as it remains…practical for him to do what he says he will do. That’s not entirely fair, chère, but…it is hard to believe it entirely incorrect. He says that in the same situation he’d do it again. His lack of conscience is unnerving sometimes. But…Elise, I’m still drawn to him. Just the thought of being away from him makes my hands shake and tears threaten to drown me.

I love him, Elise. I love him powerfully, deeply, wholly. 

I just want him to trust me. To trust that I can do something. But to do that, I need to give any indication at all that I am worthy of that trust.

And so we circle right back to Him. He who asked for forgiveness. He who wanted to help. He who just wanted to maintain our relationship.

I forgave Him. I forgave Him because He said He hadn’t looked for you. I forgave Him because He warned me about the elders. I forgave Him because He cared for me for five years, incompetent or not. I forgave Him because if He dies, He needs to know that someone, somewhere, appreciated the significance of the choices He had to make. I forgave Him because ultimately my forgiveness means nothing in the face of my love for Kjarr.

All Kjarr has to do is ask and I sacrifice my morals, my…me. For him. I forget me when I’m with him. And that’s terrifying, ma chèrie. Surely it should shift the other way. Surely my moral compass should be infallible. It’s the only thing I have left. The Beast isn’t entirely in control of that yet.

I think I have two Beasts to fight. One with control, the other with love.

Which will take me to Golconda? And where do I get the illusion that I am worthy of that fight?

The party.

I didn’t think I would ever stop screaming.

But I couldn’t do it out loud. Just into The Shadow Man’s head.

Only there. Only there.

All I was good for was drawing energy from.

I wanted to help.

I don’t know that I did.

I just want to help.

I want to help so you don’t have to.

Maman.