Needing

Elise,

I’m not sure why I continue to write these letters to you. I get to see you now, hold you, speak with you, mother you, in my own way. It pains me – it hurts that you knew I was gone and you knew why. I thought…I thought I would feel relief and calm and satisfaction at getting to spend time with you. Instead I’m…grieving, I suppose, the loss of all the things Quillion speaks of that I know Nyshirsei saw: your first steps, your first tantrum, your first day of school…

Nyshirsei saw those. And while I’m glad you could share them with someone, ma chérie, I’m…jealous? I feel awful – she left her own family to care for you, but…you’re mine.

Your grandparents raising you is one thing. A woman – a mother, who can arguably protect you better that I can? Ma chérie, I think Kjarr may have been right. I think the best thing would have been to let you live your – admittedly spectacular – life without me. For you not to know me.

You’re going to have an incredible life, ma chérie, I know you will. The things you can do now…Six and unbound the way I was. It’s wonderful to see you so free with your abilities. To see how creative you are. I’m so proud of you. I wish…we could have learned together…but I’m also glad you learned without me. That I must follow behind and learn from you, in a way.

For the first time since being taken from you, I tried to take a holiday. I tried to rest. Kjarr’s never been on holiday. Muninn’s never been on holiday. Muninn says she had fun, but that wasn’t a holiday – well, not all of it. I suppose by the end Kjarr rested, and isn’t that what a holiday is supposed to be?

I’m glad – grateful for his protection, and I understand that he needs to control, but…ma chérie, thrice in a week I almost lost the closest person you’ll ever have to a father. I’ve never been so afraid in my life.

With you…with you I know that at least (for now – I’m not looking forward to adolescence) you’ll accept my help, or ask for it. He doesn’t. He won’t. So I have to be extra vigilant. He won’t tell me when he’s hurting, so I’ll have to watch and know. Just know.

My two loves. I worry about so much, but I worry about the two of you most of all. I would not love it any other way.

The things I am learning – the powers, the skills, the Glamours…they’re all to protect you both. Whether you realise it or not.

Protect you and protect myself. Every drop of my blood has a purpose. I’m not going to waste it.